


Monday You Can Fall Apart

by rosierey



Series: a Warning Sign, a Makeshift Gauge [1]
Category: 9-1-1, 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Buck PoV, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, just softness okay, vague discussions of PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-03 10:16:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21177770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosierey/pseuds/rosierey
Summary: just a little au fix-it that no asked for.(post s3e05)





	Monday You Can Fall Apart

Something is ringing.

Buck groans in annoyance, grabbing the second pillow and smothering his own head with it as the ringing continues. When the noise still doesn't relent, he peers out from beneath his hiding spot and looks at the glowing lights of his alarm clock: 3 a.m. 

"Who even-?" he heaves a frustrated sigh and kicks away his covers like a disgruntled four year old. "I'm coming, I'm coming," he grumbles as he staggers to where he left his phone on the counter with the half finished Chinese take out and beer bottles. The irritation disappears instantly when he sees Eddie's and Christopher's faces on the screen. They haven't spoke since the supermarket, since Eddie's loud rant, his finger waving in Buck's face. Christopher's face beams up at him and a familiar wave of guilt washes over him, the same one he felt standing in that aisle as he had listened to Eddie.

He answers with a hesitant swipe: "Eddie?"

"Hey, Buck." OKay, at least Eddie sounds equally unsure. Although maybe he's just too tired to be mad at Buck, his voice gravelly with sleep. Buck ignores the blush spreading up his neck to his cheek.

"Is- is everything okay? Is Christopher-?"

"Yeah, yeah, I mean no," he hears Eddie sigh. "Christopher's been... he's been having nightmares. He won't tell me about them, but he wakes up most nights yelling the roof off."

"He went through a lot," Buck says, clearing his throat as it constricts with yet more guilt. Eddie had reassured him, but he still felt responsible- he'd lost him, Eddie's son, after everything those two have already lost he almost-

"Yeah, well, exactly, the both of you did and- he's asked for you."

"He-"

"I don't know why, he just. I heard him crying and I came in, he said he wanted you, he wanted to see you and I know it's late and, Jesus, we're not even supposed to be talking with the lawsuit-"

Eddie was rambling now, stunning Buck momentarily; he'd never heard Eddie so lost, exhaustion pouring the words from his mouth more than serious thought. Buck looked around his dark kitchen, twisting a hand in his shirt and biting on his lip for a moment.

"Eds, Eddie, I'll come over."

"Yo- really?" Eddie breaths, the relief palpable.

"Of course, anything for-" Buck swallows, closing his eyes. "-anything for Christopher. Just let me get dressed, I'll come over now, okay? Tell Chris I'll be there soon."

"Great, yeah I will, thank you."

As soon as the call drops, Buck jogs up to his room and scrambles to get dressed. He drags on some sweatpants and a hoodie, stumbling into his shoes and gathering his keys from the dish by the door. Working as a firefighter has at least made him wake up quickly, wide-eyed behind the wheel without a drop of coffee (although he knows Eddie has really good coffee at his place).

He tries to ignore the way his heart is beating a little too fast- excitement, anticipation. It's hard too admit how lonely he's been without them- all of the squad, that is, not just Eddie and Christopher. They're his people and now they're cut off from him. Hearing Eddie rant about how hard it has been for them too eased the pain a little, but made him ache even more. They missed him too. But he was hurting them.

The Diaz house came into view, the only home on the street with its porch light on. It's such a quiet place compared to where Buck lives; a proper place to raise a kid where the children are in bed by nine, and the family dog doesn't bark. 

He pulls into the drive beside the suv, and he's not even out of the cab before the front door is opening. Eddie leans against the frame, as disheveled as his voice had sounded on the phone. They're similarly dressed-down; Eddie in shorts and a long sleeved shirt that clings to his biceps nicely. In that instant Buck misses the old haircut a little, remembering how poofy it'd get when Eddie hadn't tamed it with product.

Eddie is smiling weakly as Buck approaches, hopping up the steps. He stops in front of him, hiding his nervously twitching hands in his pockets so he doesn't wring them and give himself away. 

"Thanks for coming."

"It's seriously no problem. Eddie I-"

"Come on, he's still awake," Eddie interjects. Buck sighs- feeling the tension of a conversation unfinished- then follows him through the house. "He's calmer now, but when I said you were coming he refused to try and sleep again until you got here."

Buck couldn't help smiling a little. Christopher was almost as stubborn as he dad. Eddie softly knocks on the first door they reach, easing it open.

"Hey, Christopher, there's someone here to see you," he calls, opening the door wide so Buck can step through. Christopher sits propped up by a mound of pillows, no glasses on his face and cheeks a little pink from rubbing tears away.

"Hey, buddy!" Buck grins, it feels like the first genuine smile he's had on his face in weeks. Christopher smiles too- yet not his usual thousand watt beam- and lifts his arms for Buck to dive into and hug. He closes his eyes and holds Christopher tightly, half crouching on the floor and ignoring his twinging calf. "I hear you can't sleep, huh?"

"Yeah," the kid sighs, a sigh much too weary for one so young. Buck sits back, kneeling more comfortably, and cups Christopher's cheek. "Bad dreams."

"Yeah? About the pier?"

"And the water..." Christopher picks at his duvet. "Sometimes I can't find you."

"I dream about it too, y'know?" Buck says, conscious of Eddie hovering in the doorway.

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. It was scary for me too, I thought I'd lost you. I dream I couldn't find you too, and it wakes me up."

Christopher peers at him, "does it make you sad?"

"I uh-" Buck glances at Eddie, who is watching with his arms crossed and a pondering look on his face that makes his bottom lip stick out which distracts Buck too much. "-Yeah, but only at first. Y'know why? Cos then, then I remember you are okay and you're home with your dad because you're a survivor, Christopher. I'm never gonna lose you."

"I'm not gonna lose you either?"

Buck grins up at him, "no way."

"So why haven't you been here in a while?" Christopher's gaze falls to the floor and Buck's heart breaks a little. He's an idiot. He bows his head, taking a deep breath before taking Christopher's little hand in his.

"That's complicated, buddy, but what you need to know is I- I will never not be here for you, okay?" Buck squeezes his hand. "In fact, I'm gonna be here so much you'll wish you could get rid of me."

Christopher laughs, swaying back against the pillows. "No way, never."

"Well, we'll have to see about that won't we," Buck replies, smiling at him and hoping the mist in his eyes aren't too visible. He looks over his shoulder again and finds the doorway empty, low noises coming from the kitchen. He frowns, then turns back to Christopher. "Think you could try and sleep again?"

"Think so," Christopher answers, already sounding drowsy. Buck carefully moves some pillows out of the way so Christopher can lay down more, and pulls the duvet up to his chin. "Will you be here? If I wake up?"

"I- yeah, kiddo, sure," Buck says quietly, brushing Christopher's fringe back. "Get some sleep." Christopher's eyes are closed before he has even finished the sentence. Buck goes to the door and lingers by the light switch. He watches Christopher's chest gently rise and fall before flipping the light off. He leaves the door ajar.

The noise in the kitchen is Eddie washing some dishes, and the coffee machine hissing to Buck's delight.

"Oh, thank God, I'm dying for a cup," Buck groans, clutching his shirt over his heart dramatically. It only receives a small smile, but it's better than nothing. Eddie puts the last dish on the drainer, then reaches for a kitchen towel, briefly meeting Buck's eye.

"It's the first time he's asked for anyone," Eddie finally admits, throwing the towel on the counter. His eyes are bruised with lack of sleep, mouth etching a small frown on his face that's unnerving. Eddie is a smiler; he grins about everything, even the bad stuff he'll smile through, but not this. Apparently when it comes to his kid, it's too hard to grin and bear it. Buck wants to reach out and touch him- a hand on his shoulder or even a hug- but he's still not sure how it'll be met.

"He's dealing with a lot, Eds, his- his mom and now this-"

"He misses you," Eddie says abruptly, looking up from where he was staring at the counter top. "Sometimes I think he misses you more than her."

Buck goes cold all over. They don't talk about Christopher's mom much- ever, if Buck's right- it's still a barely healed wound for them. Eddie must see his panic because his shoulders drop and he says, "I'm sorry I didn't mean- I'm just tired. You should go, he'll sleep for the rest of the night." Buck twists his hands together, staring at his best friend (can he still call him that?) who looks only half here.

"Nah," he clears his throat, suddenly determined. "I promised Christopher I'd be here in case so hope you've got enough coffee for two."

Eddie looks at him, resigned, "what about what the lawyers said?"

"This is more important, you guys are- look, I know you're mad about- about everything, but what I'm doing? It's me trying to get back to you. All of you, to my family," he can hear his voice break and looks away from Eddie. "I was scared that if I wasn't there, you'd all... forget about me."

"Buck-"

"I know you wouldn't right away but, what's that saying? Out of sight, out of mind."

They're both quiet for a moment, coffee machine buzzing awkwardly. When Buck looks up, Eddie is watching him with a soft expression.

"Lemme show you something," Eddie mutters, going to the draw on his right and pulling it open. He roots through it, moving paper and pens aside until he finds an A4 slightly crumpled page. He holds it out to Buck who glances between him and the page before taking it and looking.

"It's the fire station," he realises aloud, smiling at the chunky red truck next to the building. Christopher's name is written in the same red colour on the bottom corner.

"Uh-huh, and that's me, Chris, and you."

Buck stares at the stick figures- well, they're sketched more like scarecrows. The smallest figure as two sticks under its arms, the taller in blue with dark hair, and the tallest in a fire hat and jacket with pink dots over one eye. Buck's birthmarks. He remembers the first day they all spent together- taking Christopher on a call, helping him down the fireman's pole, watching Eddie and him together... it did something to Buck, lit this fierce sense of "family" and protectiveness inside him (maybe not just "family": something deeper and something Buck has avoided for the sake of their friendship). He didn't realise it went both ways.

"Look at it. We're never gonna forget you, Buck," Eddie says, voice cutting through the fog of Buck's mind. "Even if everyone else did? Christopher wouldn't, I wouldn't. You're a part of this family now. We said we'd have each others back, even if you forgot that, I didn't."

Buck swallows the lump in his throat, "I didn't forget."

"Good. Because I meant it. Coffee's almost ready."

As Eddie finds some mugs, Buck leans against the wall and stares at the picture some more.

"Can you forgive me?" He hears himself ask. Eddie turns to him at the fridge door, mid-reaching for milk (he still remembers how Buck likes his coffee), eyebrows raised in question. "For not... being here, I should've and, and I'll do whatever I can to make up for it."

"I forgave you the minute you picked up the phone, Buck," Eddie answers, then points a stern finger at Buck. "That's what family does. Just... don't do it again, okay?"

Buck smiles until Eddie can't stop his lips from twisting up too. He rolls his eyes at Buck, but still puts down the carton of milk and grabs Buck into a hug. Something wells in Buck's chest, bright and frightening. He half hides his grin against Eddie's shoulder, blinking away the mist in his eyes. One day it'll all spill over and all the thing- feelings- Buck is keeping down will come out but for now? He wants to keep this safe, the warmth Eddie- and Christopher- light in him, because once he can't hid how he feels? He'll lose it.

"C'mon, the coffee's ready," Eddie mutters, letting go of Buck with a pat on his neck and going for the pot. "I'm putting extra sugar in yours, 'kay? You're not driving back until you finish it. Oh, you can keep the drawing."

Nodding, Buck looks at the picture again. If he were more sleep deprived, he'd say Christopher drew his family: everyone at the station, and Buck and Eddie. He might even think he drew their figures holding hands. His neck tingles.

**Author's Note:**

> I've loved these boys since Eddie was introduced and it's about time I wrote something for them... (un-betaed etc. so forgive my mistakes.)
> 
> I wrote 2/3 of this before 306 aired and I was so pleased with them making up but I wanted to write it myself before Buck went back to the team, major indulgence I know.
> 
> This may become a series of canon divergent buddie goodness, depending on if people want that!


End file.
